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Inner Dissonance
What was your life like BEFORE you addressed this issue in your life?
It was very heavy, scattered, disorganized, and escapist. I would find myself indulging in pursuits that, though perhaps could be considered creative, were also procrastinatory and kept me from drawing closer to myself. I wasn’t focusing on the more mission-critical and edifying aspects of life.
To be disciplined and practically monastic in your reach, you must also be very comfortable with a part of yourself that you will begin to spend much more time with—the very alone part. The part that is often left by the wayside and not given the proper nurturing. It’s like parenting yourself, encouraging and motivating the voice inside that needs to be heard and express itself without any limitations.
What emotions were you feeling BEFORE you dealt with the issue?
It ranged all across the board—from a feeling of unbridled importance to that of a victimized player in a broken system, one that could not adequately serve those with dreams. It caused me to shrink my focus into something very myopic, cynical, and often pessimistic. At the time, I didn’t recognize it as such; I thought this was just my best way of rebelling against reality. Ironically, I was deeply immersed in Taoist teachings and literature, yet I was missing many of the most crucial tenets of those lessons. I was so success-oriented and judgmental toward myself that I failed to see the person inside who just wanted to be recognized as an individual—first and foremost, on those merits alone, before anything else was introduced into the equation.
How was this issue affecting your life?
It was causing me too much disappointment. I was too obsessed with everything around me—in an impulsive, desperate, and devouring way—rather than focusing on what was inside of me and walking with deeper inner confidence. I wasn’t able to fully appreciate the smaller wins, the acquisition of gifts, and the generosities of others in a way that was so critical to my soul. I could talk a good game about gratitude, but I didn’t truly understand what that concept meant. At best, I had a fleeting sense of appreciation for the good things happening in my life. It took a few rock bottoms before I could truly understand the meaning of gratitude, and when I did, it became crystalline for me.
What primary strategy or practice did you implement to address the issue?
I implemented a variety of strategies to address this issue: extensive meditation, a deeper interest in the healing arts, running, cold water swims, and numerous nature excursions. I focused on dedicating myself to mindfulness, mitigating distractions, and distancing myself from non-serving elements in my environment. I learned to smile more—and, most importantly, to smile from within.
I simplified my life, shedding much of the excess baggage that had been causing inner dissonance. Slowly, I began to align my life more with who I truly am.
I also developed a stronger faith in my creative pursuits and began executing my goals in a more refined, structured, and routine-based way. Additionally, I learned to surrender more to the world, allowing it to unfold without the constant need for control or micromanagement.
Where did you hear about this strategy or practice?
When you are faced with an issue and are truly ready to work on it, the universe will respond promptly. As they say, ‘When the student is ready, the teacher will appear.’ I was fortunate to have some trusted friends who helped steer me in the right direction. I have been lucky in that way, to have had such great friends in my life. For that, I am supremely grateful. I also began to listen to myself more— in the right way.
Please provide our readers with the individual strategic steps you took.
1.Honor your body. It is the cradle of so much of our happiness. Keep it moving. Expose it to sunlight. Feed it nourishing and elevating foods. And most importantly, relax it. Quiet the noise with calm meditations, and taking a break from the psyche and ego is crucial.
2.Redefine your purpose. Not merely goals and expectations, but your deeper purpose. What brings you a smile? What gives you cause to get out of bed every day? Or if you’re stuck in a depressive state, what do you admire in others that inspires you? Perhaps you can take on something related that will give you the same fulfillment.
3.Surrender. Surrender. Surrender. You have to allow the world to work for you as well. Even if it’s on the slow cycle. Even if it throws you challenging curveballs when you least expect it or want it. This is the ultimate way of peace: to trust in the process.
4.Develop active patience. This is not just waiting for things to happen, but embracing the nuanced development of yourself into the person you are becoming. Accept the changes in both your character and lifestyle. Allow time to adapt to these transformations with grace and confidence.
5.Create your own space. This is your optimal focused and routine-driven environment. Nothing outside of this can break this sanctuary. It is designed to allow you the awareness that all is moving smoothly. You are the captain of your plane.
How long did it take before you saw or felt changes occurring?
I could feel the changes immediately. However, they are often subtle and not always noticeable, operating quietly in the background. It isn’t until one day, after months of space between you and a previous negative habit, that you wake up and realize I don’t do that thing anymore. The recognition of change is important as a validator, but it’s not the most important. The paramount truth is that you’re moving in a different direction, on a different trajectory and life path. The change will come as a byproduct of that, even if delayed. Again, not focusing as much on the result but on the feeling of being more fulfilled and at peace with who you are. That trumps all.
What challenges did you face along the way of your personal transformation?
The personal transformation is riddled with tests; otherwise, it wouldn’t be possible to transform. Like any great character in a piece of remarkable literature or a memorable movie, I had to lose it all. My house, a best friend, my money, my dreams, my ego. There were many voluntary and involuntary sacrifices made to become a newer version of my former self. I quickly learned that the kicking and protesting were only making it harder for me. It was like a finger trap toy: the more I resisted, the tighter it got. I had to get closer to myself, not run away from it.
How did you address those challenges?
I would go shopping at times and leave my car parked in the busy lot with the engine running and the window down, or else swim in the cold ocean swells alone in the black of the night without my contact lenses. These activities forced me to surrender my control and face my fears. It allowed me to instill a deeper sense of trust that the universe has my back and that safety is created from within through your courage and commitment to your faith. It’s not hidden behind four walls, fences, tinted windows, or the false security of guarded gates.
What is life like for you now?
Life is much clearer now, filled with more inner peace and fulfillment. Even though the outside world doesn’t perfectly align with my inner state, I’ve come to realize that it doesn’t need to. It’s merely scenery, not a direct reflection of my inner being. I still have many goals and aspirations, but they are now more refined, more autonomous, and less needy—less desperate and less like a “do or die” situation.
From a broader perspective, what you have learned about yourself through this experience?
I’ve learned that I’m much stronger than I thought I was—and much simpler. I used to take pride in my ability to get lost in a myriad of thoughts and complex hypotheses until I realized how overusing this tendency was detrimental to my well-being. I also discovered that thinking isn’t everything. Action is where it’s truly at—being productive and useful. Worrying and fretting about things you can do little to nothing about is such a drain on your emotional core. I’ve become more minimalist in my approach and much more accepting of how everything materializes.
What advice would you give others facing this challenge?
There is no race here. It’s all about micro-steps. Change comes in waves. The key is finding ways to love yourself more by respecting and taking care of yourself in deeper ways. Whether that means taking a break to listen to your favorite music or cooking a nourishing meal, it all counts. Maybe it’s finally going on that hike you’ve been talking about or attending that class you’ve been putting off. Whatever it is, show yourself that you’re there for you. Develop a routine, and you’ll start to see the gratification in that—a form of accountability that reminds you the journey itself is greater than the sum of its parts. It will give you more purpose, eliminate inner dissonance, and keep you present—and ultimately, happier.
What continues to give you strength?
The awareness that my journey ultimately affects other people as well. If I am to go on and advocate to others how important it is to maintain fortitude and drive, I had better be living up to that credo myself. I also understand that as I get on in years, one’s purpose is much greater than can be encapsulated in a convenient explanation. When times get hard, I clamp down on this and embody that energy that knows far more than I do about what’s going on with this life mission. It is the ultimate self-trust to walk through the fire when all looks confusing and questionable. You continue because you must, and you hold that sacred truth close to your chest.
If others reading this would like to connect with you to ask questions, are you open to that?
Yes, happy to connect on social media. Thank you!