What is your topic?
Insecurities – things that made you anxious or scared
What was your life like BEFORE you addressed this issue in your life?
Earlier in my career, I worked as a licensed relationship banker at JP Morgan Chase and in retirement planning at Morgan Stanley, I took great pride in being the most prepared person in the room. It was very important to me to know the numbers well and to be intimately familiar with the fine print. I thought those were the things that would earn me trust. But as it turned out, those are the things that earned me professional respect – not necessarily trust.
What emotions were you feeling BEFORE you dealt with the issue?
I had a lot of self-doubt. My relationship management didn’t go as well as some of my colleagues and supervisors. I’d watch them and think they were just naturals. My mentor, for instance, could connect with anybody. When I’d try to connect like he did, it seemed stiff or forced. I felt incredibly frustrated, which didn’t help resolve anything, of course. I was worried that it would hinder my career advancement opportunities.
How was this issue affecting your life?
My conversations with clients were very formal and mostly superficial. I could tell that people agreed with the financial advice I was providing, but it didn’t seem like they believed that I actually cared about their financial outcomes. But I realized that it was my fault. Whenever anyone talked about their families or outside interests during my meetings with them, I’d find myself shifting the conversation to something I though was more “productive.” I didn’t know how to have an organic conversation. I was too focused on business.
What primary strategy or practice did you implement to address the issue?
Since I knew I needed to do something different, I set myself a goal to ask at least one non-business-related question per meeting. I also made sure to ask a follow up question to whatever answer was provided and, whenever possible, to add something that would show that I related to their story. It seems pretty formulaic, but it helped me navigate the conversation.
Where did you hear about this strategy or practice?
I was inspired by my mentor who was seemingly able to connect with anyone. I remember watching and listening to him striking conversations with people he met for the first time, and it always looked like he was talking to an old friend. I was always amazed at his ability to do this.
Please provide our readers with the individual strategic steps you took.
1. In a conversation, when you feel the urge to steer a personal moment back toward business, take a breath and just pause. Acknowledge the thought but stay in the moment.
2. Then, ask a real question, and wait for the answer. It should be a question you don’t already know the answer to.
3. Once you hear the answer, ask a follow up question.
4. Let the conversation go wherever it goes for a little while. Resist the urge to steer it in any specific direction.
5. After each conversation, assess honestly if you were present or just going through the motions.
6. Repeat this consistently, and you’ll begin to notice a significant improvement in your conversation skills.
How long did it take before you saw or felt changes occurring?
It took longer than I expected. It was a least a year before I felt like I didn’t have to force myself to do it anymore. And there wasn’t a big turning point. One day, I just noticed that I didn’t have any anxiety ahead of my next client meeting.
What challenges did you face along the way of your personal transformation?
I had plenty of awkward conversations and some meetings that fell completely flat. I’d leave and replay the conversations in my head for hours, wondering if I was just not cut out for that part of the work. But in all fairness, I was probably better at it before I felt better at it.
How did you address those challenges?
I kept showing up instead of retreating into my comfort zone. I kept reminding myself that doing it consistently was more important than doing it perfectly.
What is life like for you now?
Conversations with clients feel real now. I’m a lot more comfortable just being myself while still remaining professional with clients. I recently became a father, and this experience has further changed my perspective. I get a lot more practice now having to be present when I spend time with my son. You have to truly be there listening, reacting, and engaging.
From a broader perspective, what you have learned about yourself through this experience?
I mainly learned how wrong I was about what human connection truly is. I thought some people were just built for it and I wasn’t. Turns out it’s more like a muscle that you build by using it, even when it feels awkward.
What advice would you give others facing this challenge?
Just accept that you’re going to be bad at it for a while. There’s no shortcut, not one technique that unlocks it instantly. You just have to keep showing up and being a little more authentic each time, until one day it stops feeling like something you’re consciously doing and just becomes how you are.
What continues to give you strength?
My family. Becoming a dad has been the biggest and the best thing for me. It puts everything in perspective really fast. You stop overthinking whether you’re connecting the right way and you just do it. You connect. That carried over into work more than I could have imagined.
If others reading this would like to connect with you to ask questions, are you open to that?
Yes, I’m happy to connect with readers who have questions.